Touch More Safety

In the last chapter we talked about rest that doesn't have to wait for sleep. This chapter goes one layer deeper, into the reason your body hasn't been able to fully let go.

When Safety Becomes the Atmosphere

"I don't know what is normal yet, and I'm afraid I'll miss something."

That sentence is the emotional center of the early weeks. It may never have been said out loud, and if you're reading this, your body has known it.

Checking the breathing. The latch. The temperature of the room. Whether the baby is too hot, too cold, too sleepy, too quiet, too anything. You're reading cues from a body too small to explain itself and scanning constantly, even when nothing is wrong.

In the early weeks, safety stops being an occasional thought. It becomes the air you breathe. Every sound, every pause and every change is a signal you're trying to read, and the checking is your body's way of creating certainty where everything is new. Your nervous system has taken on responsibility for keeping another human alive before it has recovered from birth. This is your safety system on overwatch, the most loving wiring in the human body, and it has no off switch.

"I can't sleep until I know they're breathing."

Everyone says to sleep when the baby sleeps, and meanwhile your nervous system has been put on watch. So you're tired but alert, with rest available in theory and out of reach in the body. The protection system is doing exactly its job. The slow work is to give the watch somewhere safe to rest, even briefly, so your body can learn it doesn't have to carry the whole night alone.

So Much Nobody Tells You

The world is full of frightening things and ideas, and honestly, there is so much we don't tell women about the baby, about their own bodies and about postpartum. It's no surprise that the 2am Googling starts, or that it leaves you more overwhelmed than before.

What helps is choosing where the answers come from. Look for reputable sources with science behind them: your midwife or doctor, Postpartum Support International, Health Canada, the Canadian Paediatric Society. It's also perfectly fine to unfollow the accounts that leave you more frightened. Advice from someone who last cared for a baby fifty years ago, or who has never had one, is easy to let go of.

What isn't said often enough is that the postpartum experience has a real, intense effect on the nervous system, and it still isn't addressed enough. Matrescence gave us a name for the transition. The next step is paying close attention to the mother's nervous system and how to help it settle, and that is what these rituals are for.

You are not alone in this. You are meant to feel safe again.

These rituals are not routine. They are structure for the nervous system in seasons of intensity. Repletion, not depletion. Care that feeds your skin, your nervous system, and your bond, especially on the days when everything feels too loud, too heavy, too much.

In this season, they let your safety system share the watch with a steady rhythm your body can begin to trust.

Let us begin.

The Rituals

Choose the one that belongs to today. Return to your favourite tomorrow.

The 5-4-3-2-1 Anchor

1 minute.

For when a frightening thought arrives, when the checking has gone on too long, or when you can't tell whether you're awake or asleep.

Stay where you are. Sitting down and setting the baby down are both optional.

Name five things you can see. Look at them, and take them in slowly.

Name four things you can hear.

Name three things you can feel against your skin.

Name two things you can smell.

Name one thing you can taste.

Therapists use this sequence to bring attention back to the present. When the mind is producing frightening images, attention has left the room, and direct sensory input gives it somewhere steadier to land. Nothing dramatic needs to happen. It's a return to where you actually are.

The Touch More Guide holds twenty themes for the nervous system seasons of early motherhood. Free, and yours to keep.

Get the Touch More Guide →

Scent as Safety Signal

3 to 5 minutes. Butter in Blue.

For the moments when overwhelm has built up and needs somewhere to land.

Place a small amount of Butter in Blue directly on the back of your neck, where it melts on contact with your skin. The scent rises before you do anything else.

Smooth it across your shoulders and down your forearms with slow downward strokes, moving away from your heart. Breathe in slowly and let the exhale run longer than the inhale.

Texture, direction and scent arrive together. Repeated in the same way at the same moments, the scent can become a cue your body learns to recognize, and over time the scent alone can start the settling.

The scent becomes a place your body can return to.

Butter in Blue is the butter for moments of overstimulation or overwhelm, when vigilance won't settle on its own. Safe for mother any time, and for baby from three months.

Butter in Blue →

The Safe Bath

20 to 30 minutes. First 40 Days Ritual.

For the evening when the watch has worn you down and you want an hour where nothing is required of you.

If being apart from your baby feels like too much, keep them close, in your arms or beside the bath with someone you trust nearby. Your comfort matters, and so does your sense of safety.

Run a warm bath with a large sachet of the Calendula and Chamomile Soak and move the Konjac Sponge slowly across your skin. No rushing and no scrubbing. When you step out, go slowly and wrap yourself softly. Press Tender Skin Serum into your face, neck and chest, and Butter in Pink into anywhere that feels depleted or tender. Lower the lights and let your breath find its own rhythm.

A bath is one of the oldest ways a body settles, and here your body can put the watch down for thirty minutes.

Held, even for thirty minutes.

The First 40 Days Ritual holds everything for this window: the Calendula and Chamomile Botanical Soak, First Touch Butter, Tender Skin Serum, a Konjac Sponge, and Butter in Pink. Everything gathered, nothing to source or decide. This is where the Architecture of Grace™ begins.

The First 40 Days Ritual →

Inside the Safety System

Now that your body has had a chance to settle, here's what has been happening underneath.

The protective system in the postpartum brain is wired to scan for harm, constantly. It's one of our oldest survival circuits, shaped over thousands of generations to keep babies alive. When it runs on high alert, it rehearses danger, playing through scenarios so your body would be ready if one ever arrived.

"I had a thought I couldn't take back. I didn't tell anyone for months."

Maybe you've lived this: a sudden flash of your baby falling, an image of dropping them on the stairs, a thought of an accident in the bath or in their sleep. It arrives so vividly that for a second you can't tell whether it's yours. Then the horror lands, then the shame, then the silence.

A study that followed 763 women in British Columbia found how common this is. About 96 in 100 had thoughts of accidental harm to their baby, most often of suffocation or SIDS, and about 54 in 100 had thoughts of intentional harm, most often of neglect. For most of them the thoughts eased or went away by six months, and most never developed clinical symptoms. These numbers say a great deal about the postpartum nervous system. They don't describe mothers who want to harm their babies. They show how intensely the changes of matrescence reach the nervous system.

What marks these thoughts is that they're unwanted. A frightening thought isn't the same as an intention, it doesn't predict behavior, and it doesn't reveal a hidden desire. It's the brain doing the work of keeping watch, and sometimes the work is louder than it needs to be.

Many clinicians find that saying the thought out loud to a safe person makes it smaller, while pushing it away tends to make it louder. A partner who can listen without panic, a friend who has mothered before, or a perinatal therapist can hold it. One person is enough.

"I love my baby but I don't feel like myself."

Postpartum anxiety and depression often hide inside responsible mothering. A mother rarely says "I'm anxious." She says "I just need to check one more time," or "I keep Googling because I need to know." Depression in this season doesn't always sound like sadness. It can sound like numbness, or going through the motions, or loving the baby and not feeling like yourself. These are what carrying too much safety alone looks like, with too little structure to lean on.

Motherhood is long and this season has many layers. The Inner Circle is where I write to you each week as this season unfolds. Each letter brings research and reflection, a short practice you can use in real life, and one practical idea for the week ahead. Free to join.

Join the Inner Circle →

When to Reach for More Support

Most postpartum intrusive thoughts arrive, distress and pass. Some need more than rituals can give, and needing more support is nothing to be ashamed of. Naming when it's time is the brave part.

Consider reaching for clinical support if any of these are true for you:

• The thoughts come with compulsive behavior: repetitive checking, counting, hiding objects, or avoidance that interferes with daily life. This may be postpartum OCD, and it is highly treatable.
• The thoughts feel commanding, as if you're being ordered to act, rather than images that rise and pass.
• You feel detached from reality, paranoid, or unable to tell what is real. This may be postpartum psychosis, which is rare and needs urgent care. Contact your provider or emergency services right away.
• You have thoughts of ending your life or harming yourself. Call or text 9-8-8 right away.
• The fear is so strong that you can't be alone with your baby.
• The thoughts have lasted for weeks without softening.
• You feel persistently numb, unable to enjoy your baby, or unable to imagine the future, for two weeks or more.

Where to start:

• Your provider. Your obstetrician, midwife or family doctor has heard this before and has a referral pathway ready. You won't be the first mother to bring it up.
• A perinatal mental health therapist. Someone trained for this period. Your provider can refer you.
• Helplines staffed by trained perinatal counselors:
  • United States and Canada: Postpartum Support International, 1-800-944-4773, call or text. Free.
  • United States: the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline, 1-833-852-6262, call or text. Free.
  • United Kingdom: PANDAS Foundation, 0808 1961 776. Free.
  • Australia: PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia), 1300 726 306. Free.
  • Other countries: search for your national perinatal mental health line, or contact Postpartum Support International for an international referral.
• Other support: a postpartum doula, a lactation consultant if the anxiety centers on feeding, a women's circle or new mother group.

Reaching out means giving yourself a layer of support that this chapter alone can't give. What your body needs most is to be less alone inside the care.

There's room for more than one kind of care here: medication or therapy, if that's what your body needs, and the rituals in this chapter alongside them, along with practices like breathwork or aromatherapy used as complementary stress relief. Many mothers need both, and needing both isn't a sign that either one is failing you.

The First Year of Motherhood™ keeps a moment for you

The terrain of early motherhood shifts with every month. The First Year of Motherhood moves with you through each of those shifts, one month at a time, so the right botanical support, the right ritual, the right care arrives before you know you need it.

Join the Early Access Waitlist →

Final Words

Your worry makes sense. The vigilance that exhausts you is the same wiring that keeps your baby alive, and the thought that horrifies you is your protective system rehearsing danger so it can prevent it. The checking is your body trying to create certainty where everything is new.

Ritual gives safety a shape when the day feels too open: a warm bath, the same butter, the same slow strokes, the same breath before you pick up your baby. These small repeated structures ease the feeling that every moment is unheld.

Your body has been holding the watch for weeks, and the next chapter is about where all of that holding has gone. For now, begin with safety.

Henrieta Former nurse · Certified clinical aromatherapist · Somatic experiencing practitioner

Continue the Touch More Journey

Next chapter: Touch More Relief →

The body has been holding so much for so long. Tension builds in the jaw, the shoulders and the back, and the next chapter is about giving it somewhere to land: warmth, pressure and permission to release.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are postpartum intrusive thoughts?

They're unwanted, distressing thoughts or images that arrive suddenly in early motherhood, often about harm coming to the baby, accidents, or feeling unsafe. They horrify you, which is what separates them from a wish. They're your threat-detection system running on overwatch, and in a large Canadian study nearly all new mothers had some.

Are intrusive thoughts normal after having a baby?

Yes. In a study of 763 women in British Columbia, about 96 in 100 had thoughts of accidental harm to their baby after birth, and about 54 in 100 had thoughts of intentional harm. For most, the thoughts eased or went away by six months. Having them doesn't make you a danger to your baby.

Why am I having thoughts about harm coming to my baby?

Your brain is wired for vigilance to keep your baby alive, and the postpartum nervous system scans for threat constantly. An intrusive thought is that protective system rehearsing danger. It isn't your desire. It's your nervous system asking whether everything has been considered, and the horror you feel is part of the protection.

Will talking about my intrusive thoughts make them worse?

Many clinicians find the opposite. Pushing thoughts away tends to make them louder, while naming one to a trusted person, a therapist or a perinatal helpline often makes it smaller. Many mothers describe relief after saying a thought they've carried in silence. Choose someone who can listen without panic.

How are intrusive thoughts different from postpartum OCD?

Typical intrusive thoughts arrive, distress and pass. Postpartum OCD adds compulsive behavior: repetitive checking, hiding objects, counting rituals, or avoidance that interferes with daily life. If you feel unable to stop doing things to prevent a feared outcome, it may be postpartum OCD, which is treatable and deserves clinical support.

When should I worry about my intrusive thoughts, and when do I need more help?

Reach for support if the thoughts feel commanding, come with compulsive behavior, or last for weeks without softening, or if you feel detached from reality or can't be alone with your baby. Contact your provider, a perinatal therapist, or Postpartum Support International at 1-800-944-4773, call or text.

How can I make the thoughts stop?

Trying to stop them tends to make them louder. What helps is lowering the body's baseline of alarm: sleep when you can, warmth, scent, touch and rhythm, and saying the thought to someone safe. Over time the brain learns that the system can stand down. If it doesn't, support is available.

Where can I find reliable information about postpartum?

Look for sources with science behind them: your midwife or doctor, Postpartum Support International, Health Canada, and the Canadian Paediatric Society. It's fine to unfollow accounts that leave you more frightened. Advice from someone who last cared for a baby decades ago, or has never had one, may not reflect what we know now.

Research This Chapter Draws On

• Collardeau, F., Anglin, O. L. U., Albert, A. Y. K., Mayhue, J. G., and Fairbrother, N. (2024). Prevalence and course of unwanted, intrusive thoughts of infant-related harm. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 85(3), 23m15145. A prospective study of 763 women in British Columbia showing that thoughts of accidental harm (about 96%) and intentional harm (about 54%) are common after birth and typically ease by six months.
• Brok, E. C., Lok, P., Oosterbaan, D. B., Schene, A. H., Tendolkar, I., and van Eijndhoven, P. F. (2017). Infant-related intrusive thoughts of harm in the postpartum period: A critical review. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 78(8), e913-e923. Reviews how common infant-related intrusive thoughts are and why they do not predict harm to the baby.
• Abramowitz, J. S., Schwartz, S. A., Moore, K. M., and Luenzmann, K. R. (2003). Obsessive-compulsive symptoms in pregnancy and the puerperium: A review of the literature. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 17(4), 461-478. Reviews obsessive-compulsive symptoms and intrusive thoughts in the perinatal period.
• Kleiman, K., and Wenzel, A. (2018). Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts: Breaking the Cycle of Unwanted Thoughts in Motherhood (2nd ed.). Routledge. A clinical and accessible guide to unwanted thoughts in motherhood, by the founder of The Postpartum Stress Center.
• Pereira, M., and Ferreira, A. (2016). Neuroanatomical and neurochemical basis of parenting: Dynamic coordination of motivational, affective and cognitive processes. Hormones and Behavior, 77, 72-85. Brain imaging research on the heightened protective wiring of the postpartum maternal brain.